12-13-09 I haven’t written for awhile. I’m beginning to fall into that pre-Christmas RUT again. I first decide for whom I must buy gifts. I order most of them from catalogues in order to avoid the throngs of holiday shoppers. I make a list of those to whom I will send cards – IF I send cards. Then I hem and haw and create much dissonance within myself until I come to a decision. This year, there is no time for baking…even if I wanted to.

Of course, my efforts are directed at having “the perfect” Christmas. And, of course, that never happens. My expectations surface, I think, from a deep longing for family. I remember family gatherings when I was a child where I felt warm and included and loved. Not having had children, and now being separated, I have not managed to achieve those same warm happy memories from my adult years. I seem to keep looking for that always-just-out-of-reach moment in time that will magically transform my life. So far, it continues to escape me. In its place I am often enveloped by a cloud of gloom, usually making its first appearance on the day after Christmas, and often sticking around until somebody jars me out of my feeling-sorry-for-myself melancholic mood.

This year I am staying busy trying to promote my massage practice. Unfortunately, I have been busy enough that Christmas shopping, present sending, and house decorating have taken back seats. I’ve been invited to a party next week to which I plan to go. I am trusting that gifts I have ordered will arrive in a timely fashion, and that anything that is important enough will get done. I’m trying to focus on the many blessings I have in my life – goodness that is all around me. In small ways, I am trying to impart some of those blessings to others. I am trying to share uplifting thoughts with those who need strength and courage. I’m trying to purchase thoughtful Christmas gifts that will please. I hope my actions will let people know they are appreciated.

I’m not financially well off, but it is at this time of year that I stop to take stock of and to appreciate all that I do have. I am blessed with knowing many wonderful people. I have a home that is heated. I live in a safe town. I do not go hungry. While it would be nice to have more of a “comfort zone,” I am not sinking under great debt. I have great memories from times long past. Tomorrow could bring most anything, but, for now, I will be positive. Today I will focus on good things, and the real meaning of the season.

11-28-09 I have been pondering the way my mother would give anything she had to someone if she felt a person had need of it. I remember feeling indignant, thinking that it was she who needed the item, and she who was being victimized by conniving forces.

The older I get, the better I understand what , back then, appeared incomprehensible to me. I am slowly learning that it is truly more satisfying to give than to receive (even if it is difficult to part with items one hasn’t used in years). So why does it take us so long to realize things like this?

The older I get, the commercialism of the holiday season bothers me more and more. This Thanksgiving weekend, as shoppers greedily swarm stores for the best bargains available, I once again find myself disturbed by the gross materialism of it all. Perhaps the older I get, the more aware I am of many who have not. It seems so incongruous that a nation such as ours, a nation that is reputed to be one of the wealthiest, can harbor hungry…and homeless…and those who cannot afford medical care in its midst. Appalling living conditions exist on Indian reservations, in Appalachia, and in city slums. How can a nation of wealth allow such grievous adversity to go unchecked? How can we daily expend exorbitant amounts on unnecessary items that simply crowd our homes while fellow citizens starve and die in our midst?

Therefore, I have decided to begin a mission. When daily newscasts recount grave stories everywhere, and television ads prey on the viewer’s “need” for all they offer, I find myself looking at my own home and possessions with different eyes. How can I live more simply? My mother was constantly “weeding out” and “pitching.” I think I’m beginning to get it. Perhaps by simplifying my life materialistically, I will be able to grow spiritually. Perhaps then I will be able to enjoy the true spirit of the holiday season – not only at Thanksgiving and Christmas but every day throughout the year.

11-11-09 How little time we – or at least I – spend reflecting on God’s work in our lives! As I sat in church this past Sunday, I thought of three moments from the previous week that seemed to have God’s handwriting on them. A friend wrote to ask if I knew of a lawyer that might provide some assistance, and before I could respond to this message, another e-mail came through from an attorney who was seeking to help! Another friend could not get her car started and had to have it towed for service, but she didn’t have the money to pay for repairs. It turned out that the car had been completely out of gas, and her insurance company would reimburse her for towing! Finally, I had been slacking on a creative writing project. As I looked through my collection of writing, I found a couple of pieces I’d written and forgotten about that had merit. It was the impetus I’d needed to get going again. God is good.

I have been recognizing that I know a number of individuals who are experiencing trials right now. One friend is caring for an aging parent. Another has a sibling who is very ill who is hoping to receive a liver transplant. Another has had a recurrence of cancer. Still another works in a small office in which the daily drama and personalities involved often make it difficult to stay upbeat. An elderly friend is lonely and wants her life to end. Yet, my life – at least for now – seems to have remained relatively unaffected by personal turmoil. Why? Luke 12:48 is the only quote that immediately comes to mind: “…from everyone who has been given much shall much be required….” Touch me, Lord. Show me. Direct me. Lead me to where I can do the most good.

11-3-09 The other day I was reading an article in Guideposts that referenced National Public Radio’s project called Story Corps. This is a program that travels the country, allowing individuals to interview someone of significance to them and then the radio interview is archived for posterity. The article mentioned some questions that NPR suggests in order to accomplish a successful interview. The questions were:
· What was the happiest moment of your life?
· Of what are you most proud?
· What are the most important lessons you have learned in life?

I started thinking about and wondering how I would answer these questions.

I don’t remember many times in my life where I would describe myself as “happy.” Two scenarios came to mind. I always looked forward to visiting my aunt’s and uncle’s house, especially at holiday time when there were a lot of relatives around. It was always a safe and warm place to be, a haven where I felt loved, and where I basked in the glow of being surrounded by family. The other thought that came to mind was similar in setting, though years later. I met and visited the family of a man with whom I was close. They embraced me immediately and, again, I felt that wonderful warmth of love and acceptance. As an only child, and especially after my father died, I often felt isolated and alone. It makes sense to me that moments like the ones I just described would become significant ones.

Of what am I most proud? I have spent most of my life feeling inadequate, never, ever seeming to be “good enough” for whatever situation was upon me at the time. Yes, I graduated from high school, and then from college. I even stuck it out long enough with state employment to be able to retire and collect a pension. I completed a program in massage therapy. Yes, all of these are good things. But I have always been a “Jill of all trades, master of none.” I have never become proficient at any one thing, and have changed jobs many more times than I care to count. Several years ago I became involved with a prison ministry program through my church. That, and continuing a friendship with two prisoners I met during that time, may be what makes me feel most proud. It was hard to get up in front of a group of prisoners and lead part of a service. I can’t sing…and yet I did – in front of those prisoners. And the two with whom I have maintained contact? Well, I know they both respect me, and appreciate the fact that I take time for them. It has been in this venue I have felt I’ve made the most difference.

What are the most important lessons I have learned?
· Do not hold onto anger. It eats away at a person, and deprives that person of having a richer and more fulfilling life. I have witnessed the toll it takes.
· Treat all people with compassion and with dignity. I believe that every person has something good inside of him or her, and some people merely need a listening ear to draw them out and let someone see the goodness within.
· It is better to try and fail, than never to try at all. I have spent much of my life being afraid to try. It is not productive, and doesn’t make a person feel good about him or herself.
· Love. Touch. Connection. These are vital to health and productivity. Expressing your feelings, and hearing another’s, are so very necessary to feel alive. Protecting yourself from pain or rejection merely disconnects you from the vitality and joy of life itself. A love in my past once wrote me that “if, in giving you love I caused pain, you know you are alive. Knowing that…you may live with fullness…when you are lost and lonely. Remember that to be loved even briefly, is to be loved forever.” Young love, wise words.

10-25-09 I have been feeling melancholy and pensive lately. I look around me and am forced to realize that none of us are getting younger. Famous movie and television stars who were part of our lives from childhood into adulthood have been dying lately. Death and illness have entered the lives of those close to us. Our parents are aging. We are even feeling aches and pains that didn’t used to be there.

Loss after loss, and debilitating circumstances take their toll. Over time, one tends to harden some, because it hurts too much to keep on aching. Perhaps that is one reason I have come to spend a lot of time by myself. If you don’t get close, you can’t hurt as much when something happens to someone you care about. And yet, I find myself standing outside the window looking in: how lucky those with warm and loving families whose relationships have endured!

I think it is that sense of aloneness within myself that draws me to others who are alone, somehow never feeling “part of,” reaching for something that is always out of reach. I have always been one to fight for justice, to protect the rights of those whose rights have been trampled, to care for and protect those who have little.

Perhaps giving massage is quite appropriate for someone like me. Even if I am unable to achieve the emotional or spiritual connections I would like in my life, massage allows me to at least extend the pleasure and warmth of touch. Realizing this longing for “connection,” may my efforts today and every day work to include others, and may I work on letting down my walls to let others in, and thus allow others share their warmth with me.

10-22-09 What a wonderful day I had today! A group of my former colleagues gathered in Marquette for a retirement luncheon, and they were kind enough to invite me to join them. It was delightful.

First of all, I was touched to be asked to come. It has, after all, been over three years since I retired from being a volunteer coordinator, and I knew nothing about some of the topics that were discussed…but the company was very good.

I don’t always readily recognize how much I need people. Typically, I spend a large amount of time alone. When I finally do join the rest of the world – hark! - I have a great time. Times like today make me realize how much I really do enjoy – and miss - being with people. They make me feel warm, and also melancholy. I remembered family times I never wanted to end. I recalled moments when I just simply “belonged” with a particular group of friends. Having grown up as an only child, being alone is something that has become a “given,” but, oh, how I love that feeling of being of inclusion and connection!

On top of all of those warm fuzzies, I was given a gift. One of the girls at today’s gathering lives on a farm. For absolutely no reason, she brought me a bag of items from their garden that they had canned this summer! How thoughtful and how touching!

10-18-09 I often find myself looking for the message in daily occurrences. Two such moments from the last few weeks stand out.

I always wake up to National Public Radio. At my local radio station they were beginning their fall fundraiser. As they talked about gifts that were available for various levels of donations, they mentioned a two-pack CD of “Driveway Moments,” those times when you simply have to hear the rest of the story before you get out of the car. To my pleasant surprise, they played one of them. I had heard it before. Troy Chapman is a prisoner in one of Michigan’s prisons. He had written and entered a selection for NPR’s This I Believe, and it had been accepted. Somehow, they had managed to get Michigan’s prison system to allow him to tape it.

Ever since I spent some time volunteering with a local prison ministry program, I have maintained correspondence with two prisoners, one of whom has developed significant health problems. I guess advocating for this prisoner has become my mission. Hearing Troy’s essay seemed a good way to begin the day. A bit later, I opened my Bible at random. Guess what passage I opened to? It was the story of Daniel in the lion’s den. Considering that writing an important letter on behalf of my friend in prison was on my agenda for the day, I was very pleased to feel that I was on the right track!

At church this morning, still winding down from a week of moving my massage business to a new location, my mind wandered as I wondered if I would be successful? I thought about a few shoulder massages I had done recently. I thought about the pleasure, relief and comfort I had been able to give. One was to a caregiver, worn and aching from lifting and caring for a spouse with Alzheimer’s. Another was to a recovering alcoholic who hadn’t been able to re-connect with his family even though it had been twenty years. He was feeling very alone. The third was a “take-charge” volunteer who was running out of steam after volunteering extra hours, in addition to working a regular job, and being a mom and a wife. I know my shoulder massage, however brief, made a difference to all three individuals.

Coming back to the present, we began to sing the closing hymn, Be Not Afraid, and I had to take heart. Being allowed to lay my hands on people and to make them feel better feels like such a privilege, and an awesome one at that. Being a massage therapist is an opportunity to bring a little bit of healing into otherwise disrupted lives. Moments like these sure make it feel like I am heading in the right direction…but I will continue to look for messages in the upcoming days.

What does one experience with massage? A sense of relief from pain perhaps…comfort from touch… relaxation…a sense of caring…perhaps all of the above. Massage accomplishes much more than simply relaxing muscles. But one can experience those same feelings in a variety of ways as well, beyond the sense of touch. When I chose the name Healing Spirit for my business, it was with these thoughts in mind. While touch is essential to massage therapy, so too are a listening ear, a nod of understanding, and a word of encouragement necessary for the well-being of each and every one of our lives.

As I begin this blog, I have no idea who will read it. And if I think too hard about it, insecurities (of which there are, of course, many) rear their ugly little heads and I start having qualms revolving around who-will-read-it-and-what-will-they-think-of-me. It is, however, begun with the utmost conviction that there will be someone reading it, somewhere, who will receive some benefit from it. As I embark into uncharted waters, I hope you will join me on my journey into the world of massage, its effects on both body and spirit, and an opportunity to share moments (not necessarily related to massage) that have meaning to me. As I contemplated the possibility of beginning a blog, I began making notes. Knowing nothing about setting up a blog, and being quite technologically-challenged, I figured it would take me awhile to get one set up. Now that it is, I must go back a few weeks in time. My blog begins now.

9-20-09 For some time now, I have been seeking – groping for, if you will - a way to bring together my newfound career in massage therapy, my life experience prior to the world of massage, and my enjoyment of writing. I have struggled, too, to make my still somewhat new, semi-retirement a more spiritual experience into which I can somehow combine abilities and interests with a spiritual satisfaction that I am doing what I can to share God’s handiwork in my daily life. Today in church, I was suddenly struck by a fabulous way to accomplish this. (Church would seem to be a good place to receive direction – right?)

A blog! What more perfect way to combine information about massage AND things that matter to me on more of a spiritual level! Besides, as one who records her feelings freely in journals, but rarely confides them aloud, I have begun to realize (in my semi-retirement years) that there are probably many things my friends, and others, do not know about me. I cannot think of a better way to bring my newfound career as a massage therapist in line with my love for writing, and to be allowed to share my thoughts on what touches me, moves me, and impacts the way I live.
Perhaps this will be a way to help someone realize something in his or her life. Perhaps it will just be a way to show a little bit more of myself to the world. Maybe…it will cause a reader to pause and to remark “I never thought of it that way!” Whatever the result, it is my hope that my efforts at massage and at writing will become balm for the body as well as the soul. (Besides… the real beauty of a blog is that I can write what I choose - without restriction on topic or length!)

9-22-09 I have been sharing massage space with the man who ran the classes I took to make me a massage therapist. It was a real compliment to me when he asked me if I would be interested in sharing space at his facility. Since he is no longer accepting new clients, he has also passed on referrals to me of new clients. Still, for any number of reasons, I have not worked hard at trying to advertise myself (hoping somehow, I think, that I would become successful without really trying too hard). Well, that has gnawed at me. I have struggled for months trying to figure out what to do. I have felt like I have been sitting on the fence, waiting for some kind of push. I have not been making enough money at massage to be able to do only that. Hence, I work another part-time job. That has, at times, kept me from being available when someone calls for a massage. And, much as I know and understand that I could have invested in advertising or promotions of some sort, it still wasn’t “my” place, and I felt uncomfortable even considering that. So…I wondered today, when I told my former teacher of my decision to move, what he might be thinking? Had I been an “easy mark” for additional rent? Or, had he really thought that I do give a good enough massage that I would be a credit to his business? There, in a nutshell, is my schizophrenia. Some days I completely lack confidence in myself, and yet other days, I feel pretty good about what I do.

I know that word-of-mouth is the best form of advertising. The problem is that you have to get those bodies in first to actually try your massage. The way to draw people in, particularly those who have never had a massage before, is to offer chair massage (often for free). This is typically done in very public places – fairs, conventions, airports, etc. Well, I really hate putting myself “out there” in the public eye. I just don’t like it at all. Additionally, chair massage -though a nice way to tempt a person who has never had a massage – is done fully clothed. Massaging through clothing is definitely more difficult on the massage therapist, and anyone who has had a massage knows that it is nowhere as satisfying!

So…how do I draw people in to try a massage? Well, I will probably attempt some events. I will do some advertising. I will pray. And I will blog. I want you – the person who has never had a massage, and you, the person who has never had a massage from me – to know how very relaxing, refreshing, and rewarding an hour-massage can be. Think about it. Call me. Come see me. If you really hate it, and stop me in the middle of it, I won’t charge you…but I really think you’ll want to stay.

9-27-09 I find myself making notes about things and people who are very close to me, and, as I reread them, I worry about how I present those thoughts in words that will be viewed. The writer inside of me urges me to write things as I see them…but the more vulnerable person inside knows that some people might perceive this as intrusion into their personal space. I will try very hard to respect the personal space of those I care about.

9-28-09 I was traveling east on M28, in spite of a light rain and high wind warning. Wave action was beginning to pick up, reminding me of the awesome country in which I live. I rolled down the window to experience the mighty powers at work. Ah, how the wind was blowing! In spite of light fog and low clouds, with an occasional glimmer of sun, I marveled that the beginnings of fall color could still emerge through fog and clouds, along even the boring Seney stretch.

I stopped at a rest area. A woman was standing near a trash container. She spoke with a bit of an accent and said “There is a little animal in there.” Well, indeed there was! One moment later, a fearless little chippie hopped up to the opening of the container, paused briefly to scan the area, then jumped down and scurried off to other conquests. He definitely had other things to do!
My trip today was to meet a man who runs an advocacy agency for prisoners. I went to meet him because he had already traveled many miles. We have corresponded by e-mail, but this was our first opportunity to actually meet – at his suggestion! I really admire this man and we share many of the same sentiments, sympathies, and frustrations.

If there was something I lacked growing up, it was a mentor. My father’s death when I was fourteen left a huge void in my life. My aunt, his sister, tried to do what she could to draw me out, but I had shut down, and would not allow anyone else in at that point either as a role model, or even just to encourage me.

I regret that it has taken me so many years to find someone I so respect and admire. This man loves journalism and our cause is the same. If I had had a chance to be around someone like him in my teen years, I think I’d have eagerly pursued a career in writing. As it was, I allowed my fear of not being good enough to rule my life. (That fear of not being good enough continues to ferment just beneath the surface, even to this day.) Anyway, this man’s enthusiasm is infectious and spreads from writing to our mutual interests in prisoner advocacy.

Why has this taken so long to happen? I have always been so afraid…afraid
· To take a chance
· To put myself “out there”
· To rely on the very competitive world of publication
· To believe in myself.

Some years ago, when I was volunteering in a local prison ministry program, a huge impression was made on my by the experience. The men I met there didn’t understand why we volunteers would give of our time to come to see them, but they were appreciative. They ached to have someone to talk to. They craved human contact. When they got up to do the readings for the day, I noted that many struggled to get through simple paragraphs. That gave me an idea. I began working on prayers – simple prayers – that a prisoner might say. Correspondence with a couple of prisoners by mail helped give me more of a “feel” for what they experience on a daily basis. The plan now is to team up with this advocacy organization and use those prayers – maybe even publish them! – as a way to reach out to those behind bars who hurt, who are afraid, who need to know that there is Someone who cares for them. We feel the same urgency to do this NOW…for we realize we may not have tomorrow. Our plan is forming.

I want to be fearless – like that little chippie at the rest area – to believe in myself, to have the courage to share with others the things that have meaning to me, to write confidently, to give a satisfying massage, and to be able to share my prayers with prisoners in hope that they will be meaningful to them. Yes, I want to be fearless, like that chippie.

10-2-09 I have been running around like a crazy person trying to get things in place for this venture of being totally in my own space. My lease will begin October 15th. I need a sign for in front of the building, and advertising, and a very sweet friend is setting up a website for me. It’s a little daunting, kind of scary, but I have to try. I am also going to sell some herb-filled hot and cold packs to use for muscle aches. Even if those would take off, it would be neat! I hope I am doing this at a good time of year with Christmas practically around the corner. At any rate, by signing a lease, I will, I think, find it easier to set some targets for myself. If I do well enough, I will continue. If I don’t, I will pack up my table, and find some new kind of career.
I stopped at the health food store today, planning to run in for only one item and continue on to run other errands…however, there was a woman there offering FREE chair massage! After giving her a hard time about being my competition, we talked while I let her give me a massage. We had taken classes at the same location, so we exchanged information and asked each other questions. When she was done, I offered to rub her shoulders for just a few minutes – after all, the one giving the massage rarely gets to have the massage returned! Well, she was quite complimentary of my few minutes of work. How nice that was to hear! Once again, I wish I had the self confidence to believe in myself more.

10-11-09 Having been to church this morning, and having things almost in place for opening my own massage business in my very own space, I am thinking on a more spiritual plane today - two thoughts, especially. First, there are a couple of lines from Proverbs 16 that read “Commit your works to the Lord, and your plans will be established.” Secondly, I am still humming words from the song we sung leaving church today – “Lead me, Lord, lead me Lord.”
As I begin this venture this week, it is like starting a massage business all over again. As with the Hippocratic oath, may I do no harm, and may God bless my every effort. May He direct and guide me, in all I write, say and do, and may I spread His touch to others in my effort to touch others.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep.

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

~ Robert Frost