12-13-09 I haven’t written for awhile. I’m beginning to fall into that pre-Christmas RUT again. I first decide for whom I must buy gifts. I order most of them from catalogues in order to avoid the throngs of holiday shoppers. I make a list of those to whom I will send cards – IF I send cards. Then I hem and haw and create much dissonance within myself until I come to a decision. This year, there is no time for baking…even if I wanted to.

Of course, my efforts are directed at having “the perfect” Christmas. And, of course, that never happens. My expectations surface, I think, from a deep longing for family. I remember family gatherings when I was a child where I felt warm and included and loved. Not having had children, and now being separated, I have not managed to achieve those same warm happy memories from my adult years. I seem to keep looking for that always-just-out-of-reach moment in time that will magically transform my life. So far, it continues to escape me. In its place I am often enveloped by a cloud of gloom, usually making its first appearance on the day after Christmas, and often sticking around until somebody jars me out of my feeling-sorry-for-myself melancholic mood.

This year I am staying busy trying to promote my massage practice. Unfortunately, I have been busy enough that Christmas shopping, present sending, and house decorating have taken back seats. I’ve been invited to a party next week to which I plan to go. I am trusting that gifts I have ordered will arrive in a timely fashion, and that anything that is important enough will get done. I’m trying to focus on the many blessings I have in my life – goodness that is all around me. In small ways, I am trying to impart some of those blessings to others. I am trying to share uplifting thoughts with those who need strength and courage. I’m trying to purchase thoughtful Christmas gifts that will please. I hope my actions will let people know they are appreciated.

I’m not financially well off, but it is at this time of year that I stop to take stock of and to appreciate all that I do have. I am blessed with knowing many wonderful people. I have a home that is heated. I live in a safe town. I do not go hungry. While it would be nice to have more of a “comfort zone,” I am not sinking under great debt. I have great memories from times long past. Tomorrow could bring most anything, but, for now, I will be positive. Today I will focus on good things, and the real meaning of the season.