10-25-09 I have been feeling melancholy and pensive lately. I look around me and am forced to realize that none of us are getting younger. Famous movie and television stars who were part of our lives from childhood into adulthood have been dying lately. Death and illness have entered the lives of those close to us. Our parents are aging. We are even feeling aches and pains that didn’t used to be there.

Loss after loss, and debilitating circumstances take their toll. Over time, one tends to harden some, because it hurts too much to keep on aching. Perhaps that is one reason I have come to spend a lot of time by myself. If you don’t get close, you can’t hurt as much when something happens to someone you care about. And yet, I find myself standing outside the window looking in: how lucky those with warm and loving families whose relationships have endured!

I think it is that sense of aloneness within myself that draws me to others who are alone, somehow never feeling “part of,” reaching for something that is always out of reach. I have always been one to fight for justice, to protect the rights of those whose rights have been trampled, to care for and protect those who have little.

Perhaps giving massage is quite appropriate for someone like me. Even if I am unable to achieve the emotional or spiritual connections I would like in my life, massage allows me to at least extend the pleasure and warmth of touch. Realizing this longing for “connection,” may my efforts today and every day work to include others, and may I work on letting down my walls to let others in, and thus allow others share their warmth with me.

10-22-09 What a wonderful day I had today! A group of my former colleagues gathered in Marquette for a retirement luncheon, and they were kind enough to invite me to join them. It was delightful.

First of all, I was touched to be asked to come. It has, after all, been over three years since I retired from being a volunteer coordinator, and I knew nothing about some of the topics that were discussed…but the company was very good.

I don’t always readily recognize how much I need people. Typically, I spend a large amount of time alone. When I finally do join the rest of the world – hark! - I have a great time. Times like today make me realize how much I really do enjoy – and miss - being with people. They make me feel warm, and also melancholy. I remembered family times I never wanted to end. I recalled moments when I just simply “belonged” with a particular group of friends. Having grown up as an only child, being alone is something that has become a “given,” but, oh, how I love that feeling of being of inclusion and connection!

On top of all of those warm fuzzies, I was given a gift. One of the girls at today’s gathering lives on a farm. For absolutely no reason, she brought me a bag of items from their garden that they had canned this summer! How thoughtful and how touching!