07-05-10 Lately, I have been doing a lot of soul-searching, considering some major transitions in my life.

First up for consideration has been my massage therapy business. Never having excelled in science, I’ve been amazed that I successfully completed the class for massage therapy. Unfortunately, while living in the same town in which the massage classes are being held is an advantage while you are taking the classes, it is NOT an advantage while seeking a way to use the skills learned. There are massage therapists all over this town, at every turn!

Feeling that I thought I preferred to work for someone else, I approached many businesses in the area, only to be told that they were not interested. Two assisted living facilities were happy to have me volunteer, but neither was able either to hire me, or to let me rent space at their facilities.

I am no longer twenty-something. For years, I worked at jobs in which I really didn’t want to stay, but stayed – for my husband and for myself - because of the income and the benefits. Now, I am retired and separated, free to choose what I want to do, but I lack as much energy as I had back in “the day.” It is official: I now know that I am not willing to commit the time and energy required to build a massage practice. I had wanted a small niche. I was unable to find it. I am closing up shop and selling my equipment.

I now have a new idea, though, and I think it might suit me better. It may even be more compatible with who I am, the lifestyle I want to pursue, and with what I want others to know about me. I intend to explore what it takes to be a proofreader. To me, it seems like typographical errors are forever jumping off the page, so the need is there. I am not certain, though, that those who make the errors think they are important, or that the erring parties are even aware they are making said errors. I like to write. Because I want the words I put on a page to reflect exactly what I mean, and because I hate being distracted by incorrect spelling or use of word, I pay attention to these items. This is important to me. I am hoping it will be important enough to others that they will desire my services.

Other advantages for this business include being able to work from home, to manage my time as I desire, and, should I decide to move in the future, being able to move my business with me as I will likely do most of my correspondence through e-mail and/or the postal service.

Second to be considered are the prayers I have been writing. Several months ago it seemed that publication was nearly around the corner. However, the man who was at the hub of it all, has fallen very ill. He may recover, and the possibilities we had spoken of MAY become realities, but I must begin to move forward. It is time for me to get serious about finding a publisher.

Too often lately, I have been reminded that I am no longer young. While that has certain merits, it also has pitfalls. The bottom line for me is that I have felt the need to review my life and the things I have accomplished, as well as those that are still waiting to be done. If I knew I was going to die in a week, a month, a year…what would I feel was vital to have accomplished? What do I believe I was put here on earth to do?

I am taking stock of my life these days. Soon I hope to have a new and successful business. I will move forward with efforts to find a publisher. I am taking stock of my personal belongings and attempting to downsize and simplify. In light of these realizations, and in honor of progress toward them, I am changing the title of this blog from "Tender Touch"to “Transitions.” I will renew myself and begin once more.

5/22/10 On weight, wine, wondering, and winning. I’m very hesitant to put this on paper, but I must, in order to take my very slow, yet hopefully successful evolution of my life one step further. Regrettably, I have the same issues today that I’ve had for years. At least now I can define them. Thankfully, today they are less intense.

For years I have struggled with weight. I believe my eating habits have improved, but I am still unable to stick to a diet. I’m eating more vegetables, less bread, I resent having to eat a snack at bedtime because of a particular medication, and I have even begun drinking protein shakes for breakfast. Even so, I am unwilling to accept the regimen of a diet for any length of time. I think it has to do with the issue of gratification. I want what I want when I want it. I don’t want to be deprived. I don’t want anything else to be taken away from me. Food will fill the void.

I hate exercise. Yet, I have begun doing even that, with some regularity. Having had back problems a year ago, and an elevated rib this past Christmas season, I have realized that the only way to not hurt so much is to get myself moving in the morning. Having a dog has helped, too, because she makes me get out for nearly daily walks. Additional aches that I attribute to arthritis along with fear of returning to past pain levels keep me fairly active. However, I still hate to exercise.

Then there is wine. Oh, how I enjoy it! While I don’t drink to get drunk, I have graduated to imbibing just about daily. This has become pretty much of a constant in my life. I like the taste. I like to unwind with it. I drink when I am sad. I know that on more than one occasion I have thought a glass will help me not to feel so sad. What it really does, however, is help me not to feel. Since I have been unable to lose weight, and my middle is not getting any smaller, I have begun to wonder if wine is the contributing factor that needs to be eliminated?

It seems as though I have spent a great part of my life looking for jobs, and yes, I am looking once again. What is different this time, however, is that I have a goal – other than a job – I wish to meet. I have found a “cause” in which to believe. In the course of finding that cause, I have found a person who could be extremely instrumental in helping me to achieve a lifelong ambition. I want to move to be closer to this person, to help with the cause, and to be closer to the project that may fulfill my dreams. It isn’t as though I have to move, but I could be more involved if I did. So, what that has meant to me is that I don’t have to look for a “career” kind of job. I simply need something with which to pay the bills. Nevertheless, I am finding that the present economy is against me. There seem to be, literally, hundreds of applicants for every job advertised. Now I have begun asking myself if maybe it isn’t time to focus on doing something I have always wanted to do? What a novel idea! So I have begun looking for writing jobs. How very cool it would be to combine writing with passion for my cause! Perhaps there are hundreds of others out there looking to write as well. I guess I have decided I need to try. Once again, I lament the fact that I have had no one to be a mentor to me along the road of life. If there had been someone there to urge me on, perhaps I would have tried to change the world as a writer, instead of as a social worker.

Finally – very, very slowly – I feel that I am making some sense of things that happened in the past, my feelings about them, and why I am what I am today. Daddy’s early death impacted me greatly and has continued to affect me throughout my life. I suspect that is the crux of why I need to feel full, not be deprived, and why I don’t want to feel any other emotions. His death left me feeling alone, vulnerable, and unwilling to put my complete trust in anyone ever again. That has left me wanting in relationships, feeling lonely and depressed, insecure, and doubtful of my abilities and value. I eat to fill the void, I drink to not feel the pain, and I’ve often been stuck in a valley of depression from which it is hard to rise.

So today I am going to take another step. I am going to quit drinking – or at least, quit drinking as often. Perhaps, if I lose the alcohol, I will lose the weight. I have enjoyed watching, and have even been inspired by, the television show The Biggest Loser, but I will never exercise to the extent that those individuals do. I am probably not going to deprive myself of much more food. I can only hope that, by watching my alcohol intake more closely I will lose some weight, feel more energetic, less sad, and maybe even think more clearly about a job and life change.

I still don’t exactly know where I am headed. I'm still wondering about that. You would think, at 59, I would have figured that out by now! But, I think I’m getting closer. I’m evolving. Life is a journey, they say, and not a destination. That’s good, because then I must be on track, and, at least by the time this journey is done, I want to win the race!

4-17-10 I found myself judging recently - and I didn't like the way it made me feel. What gives me the right to determine if someone is being truthful or not? My reactions were based solely on the superficial. But isn't it true that we do that way too often? First impressions. How a person looks, or acts, or speaks.... Circumstances - only as they appear.

I know it is not always possible to look beyond the immediate, or past the obvious...but shouldn't we try? Not doing so is like knowing only a physical description. We shouldn't forget about the heart.

3-20-10 How do you get a mentor? Do you choose a mentor? Or does the mentor choose you? Do you have to ask their permission to have them as your mentor? Can you have a mentor without that person ever knowing it? What makes a mentor?

I have often felt cheated because there was never anyone who stood out in my life for any length of time that I longed to emulate. Sadly, looking back, I now know that it was only I who was cheating myself. As a teenager, I had closed down, devastated when my father died. I’d felt abandoned. I had no one, and I was unwilling to trust anyone new. As l look back, there were people along the way who tried to help. One was an aunt who was also a nun and guidance counselor. She tried to help with interest tests, as I struggled to find a direction for my life. The home of another aunt was always a welcome haven. It was always full of activity that an only child never got to experience at home. Perhaps that aunt stands out so largely in my memory because, knowing my interest in writing, she always took the time to ask me if I had written anything lately.

Looking back, I feel as though I pretty successfully numbed myself to being impressed or moved by any individual who may have been able to offer me more. I seemed to always be standing on the sidelines, unable to reach out, and inconspicuous enough that nobody recognized my need to have someone reach out to me. I remember being drawn to a nun who played basketball in the alley with neighborhood kids, but I never knew quite what to say to her, and, I didn’t play basketball. Years later I met a psychology professor who was very bright, very gentle, had a wonderful sense of humor, and who seemed to have immediate insights not only into his clients, but into anyone who walked into the room. A person couldn’t help but be drawn to his warmth and understanding. Somehow, I happened upon books written by Doctor Thomas Dooley who offered his medical skills to the people of southeast Asia. His graphic, yet compassionate stories of individuals who were tortured at the hands of communists move me to this day. During college, I had the honor of staying with the family of a good friend for two semesters. There I experienced warm, lively family life such as I had never enjoyed. Actor Michael Landon, starred in many inspiring television shows, some that he even wrote and directed. Had he not died so young of cancer, I might have decided to look to him as a role model. I have always admired an older cousin who seemed to reached out to bring family members together. With her I have felt some very special moments of connection.

These have been the sum of persons I have admired over the years who have influenced me in some way. Regrettably, I have felt adrift for most of my fifty eight years. Until now. How sad to have not been open to such people before now. How sad to have gone so far through life so empty!

I have met someone who is a Christian and an advocate, whose business has been journalism, and who has a deep sense of purpose. We believe in and support similar things. Yes, this is who I have been seeking all these years! This is the kind of person I want to emulate! As I learn more about him I am growing. Through his strong beliefs, dedicated work ethic, and compassion, I am seeing a person I strongly admire and want to be like. Through his communication skills in both journalism and broadcasting, and his efforts at making the world a better place, I now see in him the kind of person I want to become. Best of all, through his belief in me and my abilities, he encourages me and pushes me to do my best. He affirms me. He makes me a much better person. I think I now know what makes a mentor. I am saddened that it has taken me so many years to find this connection, but I pray that I may enjoy the respite at this oasis for many years to come.

02-02-10 I received an e-mail today. It was out-dated, and I actually think I may remember reading about this at an earlier date. It told of how natives of Okinawa and Sardinia often live to reach 100 years of age. The reason? They call it “ikigai.” Ikigai means having a sense of purpose…knowing that your life has meaning.

My part-time job as a customer service rep for an insurance agency doesn’t often lend itself to consequential moments, feeling like I made a significant difference in someone’s life. Today, however, I had an inkling of ikigai in my life.

A friend of mine runs an advocacy agency whose focus is compassionate care toward prisoners. In an e-mail exchange with him about a man who has been released from prison, who is trying to survive “on the outside,” and who is threatened with a very possible return to prison if he does not succeed, I had a few small suggestions. My friend asked me if I would make the contacts. That is what I did this afternoon. Sure, there were other things I had planned to get done, that didn’t happen, but this was more important.

I was able to only find a few leads for this man. I had no offers of employment or housing for him, nothing substantial. Still, the friend of this ex-prisoner wrote back almost immediately, full of gratitude – on behalf of herself and the ex-prisoner.

No, I wasn’t able to find a solution to his problems, but I provided information that might lead to a solution, or at least to other leads. I made the effort to try. I believed in him enough to try to help him find a solution…and it felt very, very good. Yes, this endeavor is what ikigai is all about. Would that my life be full of ikigai! Would that everyone be blessed with a chance to feel a similar sense of purpose.

1-2-10 The subject of faith has emerged three times within my day today. This morning my prayer was to grow in faith. At church, the priest spoke about letting Jesus shine through all we do and say, thus causing observers to grow in faith. Finally, a column in tonight’s paper addressed the subject of fear and how we would be wise to, rather than spend time worrying, instead have faith that God will take care of all our needs.

As 2010 begins, it seems somehow appropriate to think about faith…faith that God will take us wherever we need to be this year…faith that our actions might be a positive influence on somebody somewhere… and faith that, no matter how afraid we are of what may come, God will provide the strength, and the courage, and the tenacity to move forward, toward Him. Indeed, may we grow this year in faith.

12-13-09 I haven’t written for awhile. I’m beginning to fall into that pre-Christmas RUT again. I first decide for whom I must buy gifts. I order most of them from catalogues in order to avoid the throngs of holiday shoppers. I make a list of those to whom I will send cards – IF I send cards. Then I hem and haw and create much dissonance within myself until I come to a decision. This year, there is no time for baking…even if I wanted to.

Of course, my efforts are directed at having “the perfect” Christmas. And, of course, that never happens. My expectations surface, I think, from a deep longing for family. I remember family gatherings when I was a child where I felt warm and included and loved. Not having had children, and now being separated, I have not managed to achieve those same warm happy memories from my adult years. I seem to keep looking for that always-just-out-of-reach moment in time that will magically transform my life. So far, it continues to escape me. In its place I am often enveloped by a cloud of gloom, usually making its first appearance on the day after Christmas, and often sticking around until somebody jars me out of my feeling-sorry-for-myself melancholic mood.

This year I am staying busy trying to promote my massage practice. Unfortunately, I have been busy enough that Christmas shopping, present sending, and house decorating have taken back seats. I’ve been invited to a party next week to which I plan to go. I am trusting that gifts I have ordered will arrive in a timely fashion, and that anything that is important enough will get done. I’m trying to focus on the many blessings I have in my life – goodness that is all around me. In small ways, I am trying to impart some of those blessings to others. I am trying to share uplifting thoughts with those who need strength and courage. I’m trying to purchase thoughtful Christmas gifts that will please. I hope my actions will let people know they are appreciated.

I’m not financially well off, but it is at this time of year that I stop to take stock of and to appreciate all that I do have. I am blessed with knowing many wonderful people. I have a home that is heated. I live in a safe town. I do not go hungry. While it would be nice to have more of a “comfort zone,” I am not sinking under great debt. I have great memories from times long past. Tomorrow could bring most anything, but, for now, I will be positive. Today I will focus on good things, and the real meaning of the season.