5/22/10 On weight, wine, wondering, and winning. I’m very hesitant to put this on paper, but I must, in order to take my very slow, yet hopefully successful evolution of my life one step further. Regrettably, I have the same issues today that I’ve had for years. At least now I can define them. Thankfully, today they are less intense.

For years I have struggled with weight. I believe my eating habits have improved, but I am still unable to stick to a diet. I’m eating more vegetables, less bread, I resent having to eat a snack at bedtime because of a particular medication, and I have even begun drinking protein shakes for breakfast. Even so, I am unwilling to accept the regimen of a diet for any length of time. I think it has to do with the issue of gratification. I want what I want when I want it. I don’t want to be deprived. I don’t want anything else to be taken away from me. Food will fill the void.

I hate exercise. Yet, I have begun doing even that, with some regularity. Having had back problems a year ago, and an elevated rib this past Christmas season, I have realized that the only way to not hurt so much is to get myself moving in the morning. Having a dog has helped, too, because she makes me get out for nearly daily walks. Additional aches that I attribute to arthritis along with fear of returning to past pain levels keep me fairly active. However, I still hate to exercise.

Then there is wine. Oh, how I enjoy it! While I don’t drink to get drunk, I have graduated to imbibing just about daily. This has become pretty much of a constant in my life. I like the taste. I like to unwind with it. I drink when I am sad. I know that on more than one occasion I have thought a glass will help me not to feel so sad. What it really does, however, is help me not to feel. Since I have been unable to lose weight, and my middle is not getting any smaller, I have begun to wonder if wine is the contributing factor that needs to be eliminated?

It seems as though I have spent a great part of my life looking for jobs, and yes, I am looking once again. What is different this time, however, is that I have a goal – other than a job – I wish to meet. I have found a “cause” in which to believe. In the course of finding that cause, I have found a person who could be extremely instrumental in helping me to achieve a lifelong ambition. I want to move to be closer to this person, to help with the cause, and to be closer to the project that may fulfill my dreams. It isn’t as though I have to move, but I could be more involved if I did. So, what that has meant to me is that I don’t have to look for a “career” kind of job. I simply need something with which to pay the bills. Nevertheless, I am finding that the present economy is against me. There seem to be, literally, hundreds of applicants for every job advertised. Now I have begun asking myself if maybe it isn’t time to focus on doing something I have always wanted to do? What a novel idea! So I have begun looking for writing jobs. How very cool it would be to combine writing with passion for my cause! Perhaps there are hundreds of others out there looking to write as well. I guess I have decided I need to try. Once again, I lament the fact that I have had no one to be a mentor to me along the road of life. If there had been someone there to urge me on, perhaps I would have tried to change the world as a writer, instead of as a social worker.

Finally – very, very slowly – I feel that I am making some sense of things that happened in the past, my feelings about them, and why I am what I am today. Daddy’s early death impacted me greatly and has continued to affect me throughout my life. I suspect that is the crux of why I need to feel full, not be deprived, and why I don’t want to feel any other emotions. His death left me feeling alone, vulnerable, and unwilling to put my complete trust in anyone ever again. That has left me wanting in relationships, feeling lonely and depressed, insecure, and doubtful of my abilities and value. I eat to fill the void, I drink to not feel the pain, and I’ve often been stuck in a valley of depression from which it is hard to rise.

So today I am going to take another step. I am going to quit drinking – or at least, quit drinking as often. Perhaps, if I lose the alcohol, I will lose the weight. I have enjoyed watching, and have even been inspired by, the television show The Biggest Loser, but I will never exercise to the extent that those individuals do. I am probably not going to deprive myself of much more food. I can only hope that, by watching my alcohol intake more closely I will lose some weight, feel more energetic, less sad, and maybe even think more clearly about a job and life change.

I still don’t exactly know where I am headed. I'm still wondering about that. You would think, at 59, I would have figured that out by now! But, I think I’m getting closer. I’m evolving. Life is a journey, they say, and not a destination. That’s good, because then I must be on track, and, at least by the time this journey is done, I want to win the race!