10-17-10 Of what am I most afraid?

I have lived a pretty “safe” life. Other than losing my father at the impressionable age of fourteen, I feel I’ve experienced no other great hardships or traumas in my life. I have been blessed with feeling safe and with knowing security. Consequently, my immediate reaction to being asked the question above is that there isn’t anything of which I’m afraid.

However, further scrutiny forces me to acknowledge that that response is superficial. When I take the time to be more introspective, I become more aware. I am afraid of something. I am afraid of not committing enough…of doing only the essentials…and of trying to just “get by.” I am afraid that, at the end of my life, I will regret that I did not grab the proverbial bull by the horns and hold on with all my might to take the ride of my life. I have always felt too weak in my convictions to be true to the beat of a different drummer.

Perhaps this fear of commitment stems back to my dad’s death. It was sudden and unexpected, and it took away the one person I trusted and in whom I believed. It took my best friend, someone I was just beginning to get to know as a person, as well as the man I called my father. It took away the man who believed in me, who had told me repeatedly that I could do anything I put my mind to doing. I don’t believe I have ever been able to invest that amount of love, trust, or commitment in anyone or anything since.

My challenge then is to move forward…to learn to trust…and to have confidence in myself and in the things (and people) in which I believe. It is much easier to write about this, though, than it is to act upon it. Yet, as I am now probably about two-thirds of the way through my life, it is a serious challenge and a vital quest to be acted upon without delay. I do not want to regret on my deathbed that I didn’t live my life to its fullest. I don’t want to have skipped any steps. I want to have left no page unturned. I want to be proud of all that I have accomplished in my life. I want most to be able to say that I lived my life the best I could. I want my book to have a happy ending.